It took me a few days to review Be Kind, Rewind because of a slow, illegal download time the file was experiencing. I thought I was guaranteed awesome fake movie scenes, but instead I got the guy from Tropic Thunder that wasn’t the retard or blackface and an autistic rapper babbling about jazz music. Angels In The Outfield star Danny Glover proves he is a broken man by stalking Blockbuster employees and and Asian women from laundry mats. If you could rent this movie for $1 on VHS, it would be a bad idea.

55/100 Rating

Be a whore and guys will like you. Everybody protesting the retarded black people in Tropic Thunder missed this plot, it has feminist nazi protests written all over it. Anna Faris takes a break from her epic installment of Scary Movies to grace us with the kind of Oscar inspired performance that have shot her to stardom, digging deep from past roles like…well, Scary Movie 3. Honestly, I couldn’t stop looking at Rumer Willis’s chin so I didn’t get much from this. I’m making a promise to myself never to see another movie with Rumer.

31/100 Rating

Now, you might ask yourself, “Hey self, why exactly is he reviewing this before he’s even seen the movie?” Well, if it wasn’t obvious by the first viewing, maybe you missed what will be the major screen return of one of film’s most iconic legends….

Steve Guttenberg

That’s right, the Steve Guttenberg who is one third of the most epic comedy trio of all time, alongside Becker and Tom Selleck in 3 Men and A Baby and the hugely popular sequel, Three Men and a Little Lady. There is buzz right now that Mr. Guttenberg will be nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar, and it would be well deserved. He ranks right ahead of Gary Oldman for people who haven’t been nominated for an Oscar that truly deserve it. I read a leaked version of the script, and without giving away too much, his role has to do with “the Triumpth of the Human Spirit” and the Hiroshima bombing.

I know I went over 100 words for this one, but if anyone deserves it and this rating, it’s The Gutten himself.

100/100 Rating

I know Lars and The Real Girl was supposed to be a comedy. I mean, a guy having sex with a doll, characters from Wisconsin with British accents, Lars becoming as senile as the old women he knits with, it all just came too close to home. I did the same thing Lars’s brother did. I made my brother live in the garage and take care of our deceased mother’s cats. He got a sex doll too, but the community really didn’t supported him. It was closer to lynching him. He sells car insurance now though. He’s happy.

45/100 Rating

The lead character in Vendetta, V, caught an episode of Sesame Street starring the letter “V” and ran with it. V is a terrorist from England who is tired of the stereotypes of tea and bad teeth. Throughout the film he attempts to make England of equal power of the great United States. After a series of kidnapping women and building eleborate dominos sets, he ultimately fails and dies, thanks to using a bullet proof vest that obviously wasn’t made in America. The chick from Star Wars in this was smoking, even though she looked like G.I. Jane.

85/100 Rating

Everyone knows The Dark Knight. It’s the sequel to about ten other Batman movies that have already had these villians, but we are supposed to forget about them. I think this movie can be summed up pretty easily. Death of unimportant characters, fake death, real death, fake death turn, death of character birth of new character, death of more unimportant characters, ambigious death, real life death. Where does that leave us? The hell if I know. But I’m pretty sure this movie hinted at the Asian character becoming The Riddler and Morgan Freeman becoming a Cat…woman.

83/100 Rating

Ellen Page is on a mission. I hadn’t seen this movie before I saw Juno, but now I understand and appreciate Juno even more. Hard Candy is a prequel to Juno where Ellen Page was impregnated by a pedophile. This movie documents her confronting her rapist, torturing him with bleech, serving him with witty one liners, and talking on her hamburger phone. I won’t spoil the ending, but it’s a real shame that the not-fat kid from Superbad really wasn’t Juno’s dad. I was also disappointed there was no Chris Hansen cameo.

59/100 Rating

This was about a “movie” inside of a movie, or even moreso, the “movie” inside the fake Tropic Thunder inside the real Tropic Thunder, Simple Jack. Simple Jack is about a mentally retarded man who is kidnapped by a group of Vietnamese terrorists lead by 12 year old Half-Squat. They make Jack perform his scenes from the movie on a nightly basis, afterwards they watch videos of Tom Cruise breakdancing. Some people are protesting about the character Simple Jack, and I agree. Mentally retarded people have no place in movies. They aren’t good actors. Leave them out.

65/100 Rating

^The plot of the movie in a nutshell

79/100 Ratings

I’ve never been a fan of “Sex And The City”, but I thought this was an interesting twist to that story. The Zohan is a small town guy trying to make it big in New York. He decides the only way to get noticed to sleep with the unattrative women of Sex And The City. When this fails he turns to his middle eastern roots of eating hummus and listening to Mariah Carey. In the end, he settles the popular debate of whether Palestinians or Israelis sell better stereo equipment. I won’t spoil that cliffhanger.

60/100 Rating